Depression

I'm glad that people starting to care about the danger of depression,
But sometime for me its too much...
They said "We are in this together"
But did not understand what they thought they know

They did not understand the sudden thought that comes unwelcome
They did not understand that sometime nothing trigger the thought...it just come
They did not understand the feeling when you drive and suddenly the thought comes
What if
"I crash and die here. Is it hurt? Will I be fine? Will I burden others?"
What if
"After all this time...I'm a failure"
What if
"After all this struggle...I will never be free"
What if
"I'm not worth the money...I'm just a burden"

They can consult,
They can say nice words,
But in the end...
The thought that matter.

I can't blame them for trying to help others
But I hope someone can realise that...
Too much exposure can trigger dangerous thought...especially suicide exposure
When the thought to end the pain comes..the beatiful feeling...relieve...everything seems easy.
But the truth is...its not
To leave something/someone you loved and care so much hurt thousand times more than the seconds of beautiful feeling has to offer
But sometimes it feel just right to grab the offer
Sometimes...when you tired enough
Sometimes...when the weather is nice
Sometimes...when the time is just perfect

Everyone have a devil inside of them
It just the way they control it make them different
'We' are not the one that cannot control our devil
It just the devil sometime control 'us'

Different soul different devil different story
Someone may be depressed for the hate they received
Someone may be depressed for the expectation they received
Someone may be depressed for the love that left them
Someone may be depressed for million reasons
And
Someone may be depressed for their own dream

If someone ask me "What make you strong?"
I will proudly said
"I'm not strong...I'm broken...but my religion keep me going"
Why?
Because that the truth
I'm scared of hell more than my own thought...at least for now...and I hope forever

Road to Dr.

The road to become a doctor is fucking with my sanity...and sometime I wonder is it really worth it.
The longer I'm in this journey...
The less sanity I have.

PhD...
It is not the research that is hard...
It is not the writing that is hard...
It is the self management that is hard.

You thought it gonna be easy...
But once you start writing you will discover more thing that you did not see before...
You will have to do research on the thing that is not in your research area...
The time you have is too much that it become too little.

Even though...all the shit happen.
I will always choose this path over and over again.
It is fucking hard but it is my choice.
It is fucking hard but it is my life.
It is fucking hard but it is my dream.

I may regret this...but I will regret it more if I did not do this.

Destiny

Sometimes
No matter how much you know
You cant change the end

Sometimes
Even when it is crystal clear
You wish for impossible change

Sometimes
When he obviously look like @#$&*
You wish his not

Why?
Because sometime you love too much that you wish only the best for him
Because sometime you wish the end is well
Because sometime you have impossible dream that he will be yours

Why would you choose a dust over a diamond?

I wish you well, I really do.
Everytime I saw you...I wish you know the truth...the better truth
Thay will change a lot of things!!!
But its not my decision, its Allah decision.

If you ever in thousand years read this.*which is impossible*
I wish you are not @#$
I wish you are not @#!$/^&*

Understanding?

What would you do if someone that suppose to understand you...don't understand you?

For once in my life...I thought it could be different...it will be different.
But in the end, its the same.
No matter what happen only "what is the best for me" is what matter the most.
But you dont know, I dont want what the best for me...I want what I feel the best for me.
I'm willing to struggle...I'm okay if I'm poor...I'm okay with having to let go what I desire.

What I'm asking is for you to give me as much time to myself without being embrassed of me.
What I'm asking is for you to support me with whatever decision I'm planning to take.
What I'm asking is for you to give me advice not force.
What I'm asking is for you to be proud of what ever decision I'm making.
What I'm asking is for you to say out loud to the world that no matter what I do...no matter how poor I become later on...you always get my back. That what matter the most for you is I'm happy and enjoy what I do.

That is my selfish desire for you as you are the one that suppose to love me the most.
But I guess it is too big to be achieved?

00100011 01110011 01110101 01110010 01100001 01110100 01110101 01101110 01110100 01110101 01101011 01101001 01100010 01110101

Relax?

August...
This month is supposed to be my relax month.
The month where I dont need to think about working, studying, money, students and everything.
This is supposed to be the month where I travel and explore the world.
This is supposed to be the month where I learn about both world...underwater and abovewater...nature.
But how is it my plan turn 350 degree?
This has become the month I have to think about phd.
This has become the month I have to think about money.
This has become the month I have to thibk about paper.
This has become the month I have to thibk about others.
This also become the month where I ever consider my decision.

Is this because I'm growing old..or is this because I'm planning wrong...or is it because I have to much hope???

Either way...this month do not working as I'm planned. What would happen next month? I'm really curious.

Avoid heart break

To avoid heart break is
To avoid leaving hope
To avoid hope is
To avoid searching you
To avoid searching you is
To avoid internet
That my friend is hard to do
Which leaving me heart break in the end
So it simple to said it is my stupid fault that this all happen
By hook or by crook it os unavoidable
When someone you want dont know your existance.

Cross path

There are millions and millions of peole in the world.
But I always hear the quote "Oh, how small is the world"

It is my regret that I know you
But I always hear the quote "I never regret the day we know each other"

It is my fault to dream something so impossible
But I always hear the quote"Dream the impossible"

It is my wish to forget everything about you
But I always hear the quote "Easier said then done"

I always hear the quote "With god will, it can be done"
But I know you cannot have everything because it is god will.

You can unlove once you loved
But tell me it is possible to forget once you meet

It is my fault to be delusional
It is my fault to be hopeful
It is my fault to be an idiot
Above all, it is my fault to search you.

Some things are better to be left in your curiousity.

Value

If it is a diamond,
The rich will at least look at it once,
The poor will look at it multiple times and treasure it.
But what if,
It is a dust..just a dust,
The poor will probably look at it once,
The rich?
They probably never knew the dust exist.

Will anyone sacrifice everything to collect a dust?
Let's be real...its impossible,
Its hurt because it is the hard truth.

Let's forget everything,
It take times,
But its not impossible.

There is limit on how many times heart can handle break,
There is limit on how many times heart can be fooled,
Because in the end...nothing last forever.

Heart can be gone...
Heart can be empty...
Heart can be hard...

Let's forget everything before it lose everything.

Eyes never lies

I always heard of this quote
"EYES NEVER LIES"
mostly when it involve nyongtory
Its fun to see how all the hyung look at the maknae.
The same way all got7 look up at their maknae.
Its just full of adoration and love.

I maybe just one of few pathetics human in this whole wide world to never get that kind of stare.
I never seen that kind of stare before...until few days ago.

My students...they are siblings. Hazique and ashtar.
Hazique is older than ashtar. And they always argue. Like every single time they see each other.
But that day, the look in hazique eye when he look at her sister. EYES REALLY NEVER LIES.
Because he said that his sister is stupid but the way he look at her is like saying.."you are the most genius girl in this world".He always hit his sister. But when his friend hit her, he get mad. When her friend hit her, he get mad.
That is the first time I feel so jealous of my student. Like fucking jealous. I want someone to see me like that too...the look that convey love.

SIBLINGS LOVE ROCK!!!!

There are times, where...

There are times, where...
I want to take a break from life
There are times, where...
I feel like I am an actress, acting without a director to say 'Cut'
There are times, where...
Everything is right but it feel so wrong
There are times, where...
I am breathing but I am drowning
There are times, where...
I have too little but its felt too much
There are times, where...
I wanna do everything but I do nothing
There are times, where...
I'm hopeless but I have eveything
There are times, where...
I have dream but I face reality
There are times, where...
I feel life is useless because everything my plan is not working
There are times, where...
I forget Allah is the greatest and I should ask from him instead of hoping
There are times, where...
I want to cry but my tears is against me

Be thankful

God gives you what you want...
But after some times...
You forget what god give to you...
So you whining.

You ask why it is difficult to get what you want...
You forget...that previously you pray to god to not give you that...
You forget...how happy you are when god grant your wish...
You forget...god already grant your wish

People always forget...
So be thankful for everything you have in life

2017 advice

When life is too hard.
When every plan goes sideway.
When every dream crush to pieces.
When perfect is never possible.
When everthing is not right.

Just know that,
That is your punishment,
Its either you or them.

Its better to be responsible for every mistake you make.
Its okay to cry.
But its not okay to lose hope.
Allah is there...hoping for you to depend on him.

Beg...knee...cry...be desperate

That just why god create you. To depend on him.