Hope for a silver lining

Never though that im not crying remembering all memories of 3 and 10 years ago. Instead im just smiling because writing really make me realize that it is my fault..it is my stupidity that cause things to happen. I really should write more.

But for now i think dying with this master project. This things really does not kill me but seriously make me wanna die. Just make me wonder why i study master in the first place. Then i remember because im to lazy to face the real world where people bragging about their position...about people love to see there is always people under them...people that things they are superior then others...people that act all nice but a bitch in reality. I have enough of this people for few years of working experience...and im not gonna face them yet. Let just say...im a magnet of backstabbing and bad people.

But....but...but...i seriously tired of this project. Its not hard...it just that i wish i can have few years not thinking of anything...just travel around the world and daydream until i getting bored. I wanna vacation because live stuck in my bedroom not gonna help me with my current situation.

And my situation is kinda bad...im starting to have bad dream about the memories since a month ago...and i cannot sleep until it was 4am. Then woke at 11pm...then laying down until 2pm before i start getting up from my bed. This ritual repeat itself for months now. I really need a vacation or at least a new hobby.

But im really thankful having a nice prof as my sv. I really dont care if he give me B for this sem..because im seriously lazy and im not mèting him at all. Ohh...i think b is too good for me. I really hope he didnt ask for the thesis yet. Until next week at least. I really hope i can get the thesis done by next week...and complete my master project by the end of next month. Then i wanna plan a vacation that does not cause me to suffer from ptptn debt. How i wish korea does not make me bankrup but it does...so korea is out of the list for now.

First whether i find a husband or drag my beloved brother and ex to accompany me...also lots of girlfriend.

Im amaze with myself really...i really trust my brother...like almost 90%. But still i will not be alone with them. Despite they are my brother...they still boys...and girls will never be safe with boys alone. That what i feel all this while...and not only them...i dont trust myself with any boys in this world alone. Its me i dont trust...hehehe.

Memories is a cruel thing

"Something that does not kill you make you stronger".
I really wonder is it true? Because sometimes things that does not kill you tend to hurt you the most.

Memories...its hurt. 10 years i try to forget things that happen..to forget myself that once so stupid to believe that this world is kind and nothing can hurt from a simple word. But that how I learn the reality..i learn it the hard way, unfortunately.

Its been about a month since the talk of trust issues. I really dont know that just a simple talk can crush down my effort to forget things that happen 10years ago. I dont blame the liar..i blame myself for being so stupid to believe and hope for that things to happen. Hope? Really? Im not sure whether I really hope for that? Because i dont feel like it..but i dont know it can crush me that. The fact that they are my friend for 3 years..i dont know back stabbing exist until that day.

But i guess every cloud have silver lining. Because when i start to shut myself down from making any friend..afraid that things happen again..my life was surround by friends that kind. Really...my friend from form 4 and 5 is the one that I cherish the most. They just stupid to begin with. Even with upcoming spm..the one that we enjoy is life...spm is just a paper. The memory that last forever. Unwillingly i gave my trust to those little group of friends. Till this very moment i still greatful to have that little group of friend. But im feeling so sorry that i cant give my trust to those people. Every time there always thought that "dyeorg nie betul ke happy kwn ngan aq"..."dyeorg nie betul ke x ngutuk blkg2"...eventually those negative thinking stuck with me till today. If 11, 10 years ago i give my trust about 80% to someone...but after 10 years..lets just say i give about 60% of my trust to someone that i really trust.

Then...that little group of people turn to only 4 of us. Few people that i trust the most. Then matric i got about 2 more poeple that i put my trust on. Then, in ump let just say i got 1 person. Then comes boyfriend and girlfriend things. Those moment is really a moment that i wish i never step into.

Seriously, you cant step to those bf gf area just because you want to try or just because you curios or just because you feel sorry for each other. Because i put those when i make the choise. First, i accept because i want to try..then i said love because i want to comfort him since he has bad day..then..thing get heated because i curious. But never i put trust in him. Not as much as those few people i trust. But i never regret things that happen because it really teach me lots of things...like seriously a lots.

But unfortunately, i started to trust those people less. Why? Because during those bf gf moment there seriously lot of time that i tell everythings to them..there is moment where i cry lot of time. "They know what i hv done".."they know the bad side of me"..."what if they tell their friend".."what if their friend tell others" those thought keep my away from most of them for a moment. But eventually i dont care anymore...do whatever you want because whatever happen it is my own fault.

That why i cannot help to forgive the liar that start everything...i cannot help to forgive 'him' because in the end its all my fault. But it does not help the facts that the memories still hurt like hell.

I only have few people to trust...i only have few friend to hold on...i only have few shoulder to cry on...and most of all if they decide to let my trust down...even if hurt more than others..it still just that few of them. Thats why im afraid to have to many people to trust...because a little still bearable but a lot can really bring me down.

"Sometimes things does not kill you...can still make you wanna die" -blackindieugly