Hope for a silver lining

Never though that im not crying remembering all memories of 3 and 10 years ago. Instead im just smiling because writing really make me realize that it is my fault..it is my stupidity that cause things to happen. I really should write more.

But for now i think dying with this master project. This things really does not kill me but seriously make me wanna die. Just make me wonder why i study master in the first place. Then i remember because im to lazy to face the real world where people bragging about their position...about people love to see there is always people under them...people that things they are superior then others...people that act all nice but a bitch in reality. I have enough of this people for few years of working experience...and im not gonna face them yet. Let just say...im a magnet of backstabbing and bad people.

But....but...but...i seriously tired of this project. Its not hard...it just that i wish i can have few years not thinking of anything...just travel around the world and daydream until i getting bored. I wanna vacation because live stuck in my bedroom not gonna help me with my current situation.

And my situation is kinda bad...im starting to have bad dream about the memories since a month ago...and i cannot sleep until it was 4am. Then woke at 11pm...then laying down until 2pm before i start getting up from my bed. This ritual repeat itself for months now. I really need a vacation or at least a new hobby.

But im really thankful having a nice prof as my sv. I really dont care if he give me B for this sem..because im seriously lazy and im not mèting him at all. Ohh...i think b is too good for me. I really hope he didnt ask for the thesis yet. Until next week at least. I really hope i can get the thesis done by next week...and complete my master project by the end of next month. Then i wanna plan a vacation that does not cause me to suffer from ptptn debt. How i wish korea does not make me bankrup but it does...so korea is out of the list for now.

First whether i find a husband or drag my beloved brother and ex to accompany me...also lots of girlfriend.

Im amaze with myself really...i really trust my brother...like almost 90%. But still i will not be alone with them. Despite they are my brother...they still boys...and girls will never be safe with boys alone. That what i feel all this while...and not only them...i dont trust myself with any boys in this world alone. Its me i dont trust...hehehe.

Memories is a cruel thing

"Something that does not kill you make you stronger".
I really wonder is it true? Because sometimes things that does not kill you tend to hurt you the most.

Memories...its hurt. 10 years i try to forget things that happen..to forget myself that once so stupid to believe that this world is kind and nothing can hurt from a simple word. But that how I learn the reality..i learn it the hard way, unfortunately.

Its been about a month since the talk of trust issues. I really dont know that just a simple talk can crush down my effort to forget things that happen 10years ago. I dont blame the liar..i blame myself for being so stupid to believe and hope for that things to happen. Hope? Really? Im not sure whether I really hope for that? Because i dont feel like it..but i dont know it can crush me that. The fact that they are my friend for 3 years..i dont know back stabbing exist until that day.

But i guess every cloud have silver lining. Because when i start to shut myself down from making any friend..afraid that things happen again..my life was surround by friends that kind. Really...my friend from form 4 and 5 is the one that I cherish the most. They just stupid to begin with. Even with upcoming spm..the one that we enjoy is life...spm is just a paper. The memory that last forever. Unwillingly i gave my trust to those little group of friends. Till this very moment i still greatful to have that little group of friend. But im feeling so sorry that i cant give my trust to those people. Every time there always thought that "dyeorg nie betul ke happy kwn ngan aq"..."dyeorg nie betul ke x ngutuk blkg2"...eventually those negative thinking stuck with me till today. If 11, 10 years ago i give my trust about 80% to someone...but after 10 years..lets just say i give about 60% of my trust to someone that i really trust.

Then...that little group of people turn to only 4 of us. Few people that i trust the most. Then matric i got about 2 more poeple that i put my trust on. Then, in ump let just say i got 1 person. Then comes boyfriend and girlfriend things. Those moment is really a moment that i wish i never step into.

Seriously, you cant step to those bf gf area just because you want to try or just because you curios or just because you feel sorry for each other. Because i put those when i make the choise. First, i accept because i want to try..then i said love because i want to comfort him since he has bad day..then..thing get heated because i curious. But never i put trust in him. Not as much as those few people i trust. But i never regret things that happen because it really teach me lots of things...like seriously a lots.

But unfortunately, i started to trust those people less. Why? Because during those bf gf moment there seriously lot of time that i tell everythings to them..there is moment where i cry lot of time. "They know what i hv done".."they know the bad side of me"..."what if they tell their friend".."what if their friend tell others" those thought keep my away from most of them for a moment. But eventually i dont care anymore...do whatever you want because whatever happen it is my own fault.

That why i cannot help to forgive the liar that start everything...i cannot help to forgive 'him' because in the end its all my fault. But it does not help the facts that the memories still hurt like hell.

I only have few people to trust...i only have few friend to hold on...i only have few shoulder to cry on...and most of all if they decide to let my trust down...even if hurt more than others..it still just that few of them. Thats why im afraid to have to many people to trust...because a little still bearable but a lot can really bring me down.

"Sometimes things does not kill you...can still make you wanna die" -blackindieugly

My little secret

WARNING!!!LOTS OF S*X WORD

One of the best story I ever read. Anyone with high tolerance of sex scene can read this. Just google My Little Secret by youngmom..but please only if you have high tolerance of sex scene. But since I already legal to read those kind of thing..sooooo..hehe

Its just a simple story about the consequence of unsafe sex. Tapi nie logik untuk orang bukan islam lah..sebab nie apa yg dyeorg practik kan..sex before married. Tp aq rase org islam skrg pn dh ramai yg corrupt otak. So its apply to everyone actually because u dont know what future hold for you.

Yg jadikan cite nie best sbb it is the author true story..nme pn youngmom kan.

The story basically start with her being pregnant at the age of 15. But since her parent is someone that respected, lawyer and doctor..she just dont want to tell them. But thankfully the first step she done is tell her bestfriend and her boyfriend. Again..thankfully her boyfriend want to keep the baby.

This is where the plot start...she is a martial art student. Bodohnya dia nie..dye mengadung tapi xde org lain selain dye, bestfriend dye and boyfriend dye yg thu. So...she have to compete in a taekwondo competition but her weight is pass the limit. So she have to lose 4kg in a week. Aq xprnh thu psl nie..smpi ah my beloved ex cite dyeorg siap mkn julap ag nk suruh turun berat. But put aside that story..so she just eat a meal a day semata2 nak turun berat. She pregnant + not eating proper meal + training for the tournament. I would say this is the biggest mistake she ever done. But then if it not for this, her future will be different.

She lost in the competition..but a week after that she have black belt test. Macam kalau dye lepas test nie baru dye dapat black belt. And competitor dye anak couch dye yg mmg hebat...and budak tu direct tendang perut dye. So dye stop sebab dye takut anak dye sakit. After all those chaous she finally told her coach, her parent and her boyfriend parent. And they have been sooooo supportive.

Her boyfriend is the sweetest husband u would wish to have. He cared for her, for the baby. Kalau dia letih boyfriend tolong urutkan. Kalau dye craving ape2 pn boyfriend dye turutkan. And when everyone know she pregnant, everyone call her slut. And her boyfriend would back her up. Things was so sweet with her boyfriend and so on until she giving birth her boyfriend stick with her.

Her boyfriend help taking care of the bby after school. But then..after few month her boyfriend drift apart. And that is not all, her boyfriend even cheat with her bestfriend..her bestfriend for 4 years..knowing that she have child with that guy dare to stab her in the back. And worst part is...her boyfreind rape her. That is the end of their relationship. *if you read how sweet her boyfreind is you would doubt he will ever do that.

After that raping incident she does not care about her baby because that bby remind her too much to her boyfriend. Oh..before that raping incident, her parent divorced just almost the same time she know her boyfriend cheat on her.

So..lepas tu dye xnk tgk muka boyfriend dye dah..so dye pindah sekolah. Then kat situ dye jmpe sorang laki yg syg dye walaupn thu dye ade anak. Then dye kawin ngan laki tu. THE END.

Cerita tu xpnting sgt...yg pentingnya moral of the story tu.
♡you see her mistake is not telling her parent. They maybe reject her or anything but she said that after telling them it is like a burder life up from your shoulder. Stress is not good for pregnant woman.
♡every life is precious. She have that bby because it is the prove of her love with her boyfriend. And she does not blame her boyfriend because she said that..the bby would not happen if not for her fault too. And she repeated over and over again that not once she regret having that bby despite they broke up.

Yg paling terkesan sekali utk aq is
♡no matter how sweet and caring a boyfriend..the chance of being cheated never be 0%. That why i dont trust men over 50%..accept my bro and family..which is 99%. But never 100%. Call me stupid..but I learn from experience.
♡your bestfriend is your worst enemy. Kebanyyakkan yg kes tikam belakang seme kawan baik sendiri. I dont know if my bestfriend ever done anything to stab me or anything. But if they does...just know that I maybe not a fighter but you will see how much hate I can hold for a person.
♡no matter how much life f*ck you...know that future can be so much brighter if you keep fighting for it. Every life story is a fairytale with happy ending of its own. Even when you feel like...my ending is a sad ending..not a happy ending. Just know someone..somewhere wish to have your ending.

24 years old

Happy birthday to me...
Wow..im 24 but i think i just started to live my life
Maybe because im older now...my parent seem to give me some freedom to try everything. And i thankful and love them more for that.
Maybe because im older now...i think i started to love my family more than before
Or maybe because im older i think i can do lots of thing on my own.

But that what my heart want not my body and soul.
Since im young i always follow what my mind said...what my heart said...without really thinking.
Now that im older by 1 year i certainly know what i want to do...i certainly know that for everything i want there always more risk to face.

My wish for this 24 to 25 years old is that i can overcome any risk to get what i want. This dream was kept for a long...long...long time. I think maybe now is the time to make it reality?

Unfortunately...no present at all for me this year. But i really hope everyone can pray for my success and pray that my dream can come true.

Kereta + my piece of soul

I never realise that boys and girls really interpret things differently. Hehehe..klu post sebelum..sebelum nie khas utk that someone...that missing piece of my soul...post nie khas utk that other someone...that also my missing piece of soul.

First time ambik lesen kete mse first sem kt ump...fuhh debar giler. Sebab mmg sepanjang pembesaran xprnh di ajar byk kete. Totally belajar bwk kete dr tmpt bljr memandu tu jer. Mula2 mmg cuak..pastu lme2 best pulak..sebab men2 dlm littar tu jer. Tu pun gne gear 1 n 2 je..pling laju pn gear 3. Dh dpt lesen mmg terkubur mcm tu jer skill drift aq selama 2 thun. Xprnh bwk kete...xprnh try pn nk bwk lete. Mula2 tkut nk bwk yg auto sbb slme nie bljr manual an.

First time rse brni sikit mse kuar ngan my soulmate. Nk dijadikan cerita si akak nash aq silau bwk kete mlm2. Pastu si abg muz aq xpndai bwk kete. Aq lak xsilau tp xberani...dlm hati dh kata klu nash xleh bwk aq bwk pn xpe tp 60km/h je lah. Tp alhamdulillah selamat sampai mlm tu.

Then...yang betul2 first time sentuh kete mse internship. Bia pn office 5 minit jer dr rumah tp mmg xberani giler. Mlm tu dh tepon abg aq..cite2 ah yg aq nie terpaksa bwk kete esok. Dye pn slmbe je kate..."ko dh ade lesen nk takut ape..bile lagi nak berani". Ko xthu mcm2 aq pkir sblum nk pegang stereng tu. Tp alhamdulillah sampai gak kt office n ada parking aritu. Yg time nak balik tu yg best. Boleh pulak kete xleh nk start. Punya lah cuak aq. Last2 kol abgku yg baik hati tu :p
Dye sruh tekan minyak dulu bru pusing kunci. N aq xthu knpe mende tu menjadi. So hidup ah kete tu. Selamat ah aq balik umah.
Dh balik umah ayah tnye npe bau hangus je. Rupe2nyer aq lpe angkat handbreak..gelabah kete xhidup td an. Punye ah mengamok ayah. Malam tu cite kt abang aq tu dye pulak duk tambah bebel. Aduhh...yangg ko mmg xpandai bce keadaan btul. Sedih kot mse tu.

Esok tu kne bwk kete ag. Pg2 dh tepon abg kesayangan aq tu. Nasihat pertama dye "handbreak tu jgn lpe" mmg kuang ajor. Sentap aq. Balik keje ngajuk pnye psl xkol pn dye. Mlm tu bru kol.

Then, klu aq kne bwk kete jer msti kol dye mntak semangat. Tp skang dh berani dh xkol dh.

Just wanna brag a little..yangggg skang aq dh brni bwk kete g ump. Tp lalu highway ah.hehehe. walaupun aritu sesat sikit.

Ckp psl bwk kete nie...pengalam xleh lpe bwk kete ngan rumet. Kononnye dye tlg tgk2 an lah. Dr ump ke bndr. Tgh2 jln ayah kol...bengapnyer enset touchscreen nie ko kne tgk enset bru bleh jwb kol. Then duk sibuk tgk enset xperasan kete depan..dah ah honda. (Klu langgar mau abis duit mara aq wt byr kete dye) Sikit ag nk lnggr aq elak g kiri..nsib bek xdek koto mse tu. Pastu trus tuko driver. Hehehe.

In the nutshell, beraninyer aq bwk kete sbb i know if im doing good i can brag to him. Hehehe. Dye lah sllu bg smgt bab2 bawak kete nie. Dye ah jgk yg xnganjing aq sbb xberani bwk walaupn ada lesen..sabo jer dgr kebodohan adik dye nie. Heee.

It doesnt matter if you have girlfriend or wife or wives...I will always say that you are my boyfriend..my piece of soul...my piece of everthing. And i really hope it stay that way...because i know life will be different if you not in my life.
Really...if i can express my love to you. It will be like
~An underwater world that keep thousand of life and treasures...my love to you is larger than that~

P.S: i rarely express my love to you nowadays...it still the same. Walaupun cheesy... i still wanna say it because I dont want to regret not saying my love to person that important to me.

List of hurt and heart

Dalam banyak2 bende kat dunia nie...ada yg aq ske dn ade yg aq benci. Tp thank god aq dijadikan xbenci sesuatu tu lme2. Kadang2 aq pn benci perasaan nie...sbb sometime someone worth to be hate foer the rest of my life.

But few thing yg sllu buat aq happy is
♥ wakeup to baby cry
♥ wakeup to my sweetheart voice and toys
♥ baking new recipe
♥ lee kwang soo
♥ got7
♥ travel
♥ sleep
♥ red ferrari
♥ scent of sea
♥ swimming
♥ diving
♥ day dreaming
♥ coding
♥ twin

And few thing yg aq benci is
♥ sweet talker
♥ handsome guy with a wife
♥ liar
♥ coding
♥ being ordered around
♥ business
♥ debt - ptptn mara
♥ my busy brother and sister
♥ spend money on useless thing
♥ shopping
♥ my body because im fat
♥ thing i hate the most is old hindustand movie - khabi khusi khabi gham , kuch kuch, mann, ... they never fail make me cry until i hurt my head and eyes

One thing i hate and love is my bed.. my own bed. I dont know why..the earliest time i can sleep on my bed is 4.30am. But i can sleep anytime anywhere else. Is my bed is curse to me?

Fans??

Its really amazing how fans can turn love to hate in just a split of second.
But what amazed me the most is they claim they understand every single thing.
Idol is a human...they make mistake..they can lie...they can broke their promises.
How come fans can do all those thing but idol cant.
Wahh...and hatred word. Wahh..daebak...it like they are the one that hurt the most.
Its either sm is wrong or idol is wrong...please be greatful that at least they exist to entertain you. First kris then tao...wahh. really haters???
(This is 2 month old draft)

Btw...got7 has reach 12M view. OMG...please. i really wish my future husband can sing "just right" for me every single time i fail my diet. Let just say i wish got7 member is my hubby. Hehehe.
As a proud ahgase i really hope everyone in got7 stay the way their are.
First time support kpop idol and i meet an amazing fandom as igot7. No regret at all.

But haters can you dissapear from our fandom. Because we dont need you. Just let them do whatever they are doing. Let bambam do the whip dance. Let them happy doing what they do best. They still kids for godsake...let them do everything as long as it does not ruin their life. Bambam igot7 understand that you must be hurt..after you get better, please smile for us. Because we are here to support you.

Im proud to say i love exo...vixx...and much much more proud to say i love got7 from pluto to earth and back. Got7 please stay imperfect because that what we are..as a human.

**aq xpaham kenapa ada orang xske klu pompuan ske kpop...ade org xske klu ank dye ske kpop. Maksiat?? Hello...aq rse cite western tu lg bhya. MV dyeorg lg xsenonoh. Then why people hate it soo much. Patutnye tgk bright sight. Ape2 cite..negara ko minat skli pn klu ko nk ambik yg buruk jer..ko tgk cite arab ko leh ambik yg buruk.
But for me...kpop make me forget lots of thing. Orang lain putus cinta betahun2 bru abis...aq 3bulan dh settle. Sbb ade kpop utk alih perhatian aq. Yg paling penting kpop always show me new gadget and technology..because korea is one of the best asian country that have a great technology. Kpop nie ko berangan ah ko dpt jmpe ngan sejuta group kpop pn...in the end ko thu tu angan2 yg xkn jd kenyataan(for me..sebab aq xkn bazirkn duit utk kpop) byr hutang ptptn ngan mara lg bgus. Xkaya wt gaya xkaya...org berhutang wt gaya org berhutang. Jgn ligat sgt gne duit**

The birth of great men

Let me tell you a story...
24 years and 2 days ago..a boy was born.
He was an unknown boy to some part of the world..he was unknown to some part of community...and definitely unknown to me.
But god has its way of introducing him to the world..to the community and to me...and to them.
It not entirely fate to know him as he was my classmate..but it is pure fate that he is my boyfriend..my brother..my other half..my strength..my happiness and part of my everything.

It is never in our memory how we come close to each other..it just happen. It just pure fate that we talk and we click.
Some people get close by doing something stupid together..but we never do anything stupid together
We never skip class...we never got detention..we never broke public properties..we never do those bad thing
But for sure..we always talk during recess..with me buying all the food most of the time..we always sleep during class..we always talk during monday assembly

I was there when he learn to fall in love...i was there when he cannot forget his love..i was there when he first call me that he going to study in KL (u dont know how much i cried that day...stupidly i dont even know why i cry)

But as much as i was there for him...he was there for me more that i can even imagine

He was there when my trust to all boy was zero...i cant trust any boy at that time..but i trust him
He was there when im still innocent
He was there when i learn to fall i  love
He was there when im fighting with my ex every month
He was there when im break up with my ex
He was there when short sleeve + scarf is enough
He was there since "Yang..jom couple"..till "couple? I dont give a shit bout that stuff"
He was there since "yangg..matrik susah. Aq nak benti ah"..till "yangg..software engineering susah. Aq nak benti ah"..till "yangg..master susah giler"
He was there since "yang..aq ada quiz malam nie"..till "yang..aq ada test esok"..till "yang...aq ade thesis presentation nanti"..till "...."
He was there since i call him every single quiz i will face...till every test i will face..till my final thesis presentation..till he call me because i never call him
He was there since my innocent day..to my bad day...to my busy day
He was there for every single drop of tear i shed because of life treat me hard

Everyone that know our story offen said "you love him right?"
My answer always "yes..i do"
When they ask "why dont you couple with him then?"
My answer will always and forever will be "i dont want to ruin our friendship..and he know to much about me...my good and my bad"

He really know my good and my bad...that why i cant be with him
He who sees my tears..my mistake..my sin
It amazing how he is the one that i will call if i want to cry..despite that he never really confort me. He just talk randomly till i stop crying

It may be selfish but i wish you a very happy belated birthday
Dipanjangkan umur yang berkat
Dimurahkankan rezeki
Dipermudahkan jodoh...and damn..that girl is lucky to have you bro
Di kurniakan kesihatan
And most important and selfish wish is that i wish you live long enough to always be there for me..to support me..to give me strength..to love me till the end

I LOVE YOU BRO..YANG..ABANG..PAKWE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY

piece of thought

Aku wanita.
Ya aku wanita yang berpakaian muslimah.
Aku bertudung labuh menutup dada.
Aku berstoking..
Terdengar indah.
Terdengar suka.
Namun hakikatnya,
Membawa imej itu amatlah payah.
Kemana2 menjadi perhatian mungkin kerana tak sangka.
Tak sangka kerna dulu...

Dulu
Aku sama seperti wanita2 di luar sana.
Yang hanya berpakaian tapi buat2 tak tahu di mana aurat sebenarnya.
Aku sama seperti mereka yang hanya memakai tudung di kepala.
Hakikatnya tidak menutup aurat dengan sempurna.
Orang lihat aku berubah.
Kenapa dengan tiba2?
Kenapa drastik saja?
Mungkin itu yang ada di benak mereka,
Orang memandang aku seperti aku ilmu penuh di dada.
Hakikatnya, aku masih belajar...masih bertatih
Orang mula mengasak asak aku dengan soalan2 seperti aku pengeluar fatwa.
Sedang aku juga pelajar seperti mereka.
Terkadang aku tertanya,
Adakah pakaian ini hanya untuk ilmuan2 yang banyak ?
Adakah pakaian ini melambangkan dirinya tiada dosa?
Adakah pakaian ini hanya untuk mereka yang bergelar hafiz hafizah?
Lalu, pakaian apa yang tinggal untuk orang-orang seperti aku?
Tidak layak kah aku memakai pakaian seperti itu?

Aku buntu.
Sedangkan,
Menutup aurat itu wajib untuk semua dan juga untukku.
Lalu dari mana datangnya sempurna sedang aku juga manusia biasa?
Aku berpakaian seperti itu bukan bermakna aku ustazah.
Salahkah untuk berhijrah?
Bila lagi nak berubah?
Sedang title kita sekarang pun "bakal jenazah"
Sudah sudah lah.
Cuba lihat dunia saat ini.
Tidak adakah sedikit pun gentar melihat kegoyahan dunia?
Kita semua tahu bahwa hari kiamat itu pasti tiba.
Dan wanita paling banyak menghuni neraka.
Lalu, mengapa kita masih leka?
Seolah2 dunia ini tempat kita selamanya.
Jangan alpa. Jangan leka.
Makin hari, makin banyak petanda.
Masih juga nak tutup mata?
Masih nak pekak kan telinga?
Aku tak kan kata buat lah ikut suka.
Kerana kamu dan aku sama.
Sama2 wanita.
Sebelum kamu menjadi isteri solehah,
Jadi lah kamu seorang anak solehah.
Berbaktilah pada orang tua.
Jangan heret mereka ke neraka.
Hanya di sebabkan oleh dosa-dosa kita.
Masih belum terlambat.
Mulakan langkah dengan gagah.
Jangan teragak2 dah.
Masa takkan menuggu kita.
Hidayah takkan datang bila kita suka.
Sebab mati itu bila2 masa.
Sekian.

C&P&E:-
A short note that sum up everything i been through
But my journey just started..
1 year...
There so much to remember
There so much to be cried for
There so much hole in my practice
There so much mistake
But still im not nearly good as what they see
There are lots...lots..lots...lots of thing im afraid to sacrifice
There are too much cowardness in me
There are too much to consider to even make a small changes
And definitely there are lots...lots...lots...lots...lots...lots of time that I ignore Allah because how little trust I have
What you see is not what it seem like
I maybe look good but Allah know better how bad I am
I maybe look ugly but Allah see my beauty
I maybe look happy but Im crying
Im begging you dont look at me like im a perfect muslimah
Because i NOT
I mybe dont have boyfriend but I may have lot more sin than you in term of boys
I maybe have nice parent but I may have lot more sin than you in term of my rudeness
I maybe look rich but I may have lot more sin than you in term of sharing my wealth
NEVER JUDGE A MUSLIMAH BY HOW THEY DRESS!!!
BECAUSE WHAT THEY WEAR IS WHAT A MUSLIM GIRL SHOULD BE WEARING IT NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE ANY BETTER THAN YOU

Kekadang nk ajk kwn berubah bukan senag...lg2 kwn rapat.
Boleh jd ajakkn tu merapatkn hubungan
Boleh jd jugak ajakkn tu pemutus silaturrahim
Walaupun org boleh ckp jgn takut utk putus sahabat demi Allah
Tp kwn2 tu penguat mse aq susah
They are more than family
Lagipun klu semua jauhkn diri spe nk ajk dyeorg g syurga
Xkn nk duduk syurga sorg2 tgk kwn2 kne bkr
Walaupn aq xbaik...aq nk smpikn kebaikn wlupun sekali
Xde ah asyik update korea jer
Hati manusia tu Allah pegang
Tugas hamba sampaikan...yg bg hidayah tu Allah
Moga aq mampu sampaikan sstu yg bermanfaat utk kwn2 aq