Know...enough

Now I know,
The most scary person is...
Someone that sad but did not cry.
Someone that hurt but did not show it.
Someone that cry without tear
Someone that bottle everything up.

Now I know,
The reason people suicide...
It is not because they do not scare of Allah
It is because they had enough...
They do not want to deal with the expectation.
They do not want to deal with the voice inside their head.
They do not want to dissapoint anyone.
Not anymore.

It is because they had enough
It is because the devil sound louder
It is because they not alone but they lonely
It is because the scar isn't showing
It is because no one know
It is because they hurt but they afraid

Afraid...
To show tears
To show their pain
To give trust

Because no one know
No one
Know
THEY HAD ENOUGH

Enough to finally let go
Enough to finally let go
Enough to finally let go

Of pain
Of expectation
Of life

Buddy trip

Well...
Everything started great with the planning, cost and activities.

Then...
Everything went wrong when my family decided to go to Turkey. That is one of my bucket list country. Riding hot air ballon is my bucket list activity. Yet, I already pay the deposit as well as the promise I've made. And...Waerebo and Flores is just amaze me. Quite frustrated for not able to go to Turkey. But, I guess its ok.

But...
Baby come to the frame. So...goodbye Waerebo. Plan to join them in Turkey skyrocket, unfortunately, flight ticket is finished. If I know this would happen, I would rather wait 1 more year to go to Flores. At least, I can go scuba diving. But...Allah plan is the greatest.

I meet amazing people. I spend it well away from internet. Away from work. Although I did feel a little bit out of place sometimes...but its bearable.

The place is amazing. The view is amazing. The crews are amazing. The corals are amazing. The fishes are amazing. The experience itself is totally worth it.

But, in some place... I would prefer scuba diving more than snorkeling. Overall, flores is heaven for underwater lover.

And...
I'm sure my depression is cause by my PhD. I should stop thinking about continuing my study after this. My brain is too old to absorb anymore knowledge and work.

For real?

Here I thought i'm feeling depressed.
But...
Maybe not.
Maybe it just mood swing due to my period.

But...
I am long past my mood swing moment

Yet...
the result is quite shocking.

Moderate severe depression.

"We know moderate severe depression person have DIFFICULT TIME"

It is difficult...
It so difficult that I forget what is so difficult
Yet...
It is so difficult that my heart is hurting
But...
I dont know the reason why it is hurting

Is it because I cannot solve the problem?
Is it because I dont kbow the problem?
Is it because I know but I dont have the will to solve it?

Bottom line...
I am depression patient.
MODERATE SEVERE DEPRESSION PERSON
It can heal with time
And
It can kill with time

Perspective

We often too hard on ourselves.
We put other as role model,
When it should be ourselve that we admire.

We able to face challenge, mistake, success,
From our own ability,
From our own experience,
From our own tears and fears.

From this moment onward,
No matter what people may say,
No matter what 'them' may say,
No matter how much darkness I see,

Nothing...NOTHING compared to the darkness that come to me tonight,
Nothing...NOTHING compared to the tears I shed,
Nothing...NOTHING compared to the fear I felt,
Nothing can compared to the fear and tear of seeing death come cross your way,
Nothing can compared to the fear and tear of seeing eyes of your loved one closed,
Not knowing whether they will be open again or not.

That fear...that tear...was worse than any darkness I ever saw in my life,
That trauma...that image I know would never leave my brain as long as my sanity allow me.

Photographer

Ada beza.
Orang yg kerja wedding photographer n orang yg pandai wedding photographer.

Kesian tengok. Gambar xde 1 pun yg sedap mata memandang. Duit dapat...tapi kerja cincai.
Bazir masa...bazir tenaga jer.

Lain kali nk hire photographer sila tgk dulu artwork dia. Tu hak sebagai pelanggan.

Biar mahal sikit asal berbaloi. Kawin bukan selalu...kadang2 sekali jer seumur hidup.

Suicide???

What make me going?
I would say...my religion.
Because Allah say it is HARAM to suicide,
Because Allah say be PATIENCE,
Because Allah say it is a TEST.

Seriously...if there is no reminder about this...i think, a lot more will take this shortcut.

Now I understand what those people think before they go.
They think that...even they go further..it is useless.
No one will support...no one will appreciate..
Even you struggle every single day,
Even you stress out every single second,
Even you breathless every single breath,
They keep finding your fault...
They keep discaurage you...
In the end those thought come.

And when we go...
They blame us for not being strong
But...
They forget...
Words that they said whether intentionally or not...its hurt...more than blade

When your own family keep digging your fault...keep bringing it up
That when words hurt more than thousand blade.
But they did not know...because those blade are unseen

I hope one day they know...they understand
Before they lose someone,
Before they lose me.

Im strong because of my religion
Not because of my mentality.
And that scared me more.