World

In this cruel world...people are fast to judge.
Even me. No denial there.
But if the rich and fame keep on taking advantage of the less fortunate...I wonder if I'm wrong to judge quickly.
Human are given brain to think...if fame make you spend money on the most ridiculous things I have no doubt that you are one of the reasons quick judgement is not a wrong action.
They said
"Don't hate too much or you gonna fall in love.
Don't love too much or you gonna hate it someday"
Been there...hate>love>hate
Because despite my rule of life
I keep on falling in love too deep and too much.

I always wonder...what love means for someone.
Because I think my definition of love is different than the rest of species in this universe.

To love is to care...
To love is to be shared...
To love is to let go...
To love is to be happy...
To love is to be there...

Maybe because my definition of love is different from everyone...I tend to get heartbreak more often than anyone else.

Or maybe today is just my mood swing day. Because after I re-read everything...nothing is related to one another. Hahahaha.

Heart

Heart break comes and goes...but the feeling remains.
Love comes and goes...but the memories remains.

No matter how hard you try...you can still be heart broken.
No matter how tight you closed your heart...you will always fall in love.

It is human nature to fall in love.
It is human nature to bring down anyone superior than you.

The only difference is...
DID YOU BEND FROM THE WILL
or
DID YOU BEND WITH THE WILL

the choice make lots of different in your personality and the way you look for everything in this world.

Phd journey

Assalammualaikum..

So, i'm writing again. Been long since I last updated this blog slash diary. Either way, as the subjected title...phd journey.

Firstly, I really dont think I have any right to write this title. Why? Because, as of now, I don't make any effort to write a research proposal. And I'm still in dilemma in choosing my research interest. So, effort = zero.

Secondly, every scholarship I saw and apply is closing soon. Like reeeeallyyyy soon. So, no chance to get to any university by next year.

Third, I think I grow old waiting for a scholarship. My target is to get married by 25, but that seem not happening anytime soon. So, studying is a better way to wait to get married. But I think my brain grow old with my age. I can't really think how I want to study and get married. I have to choose between study and marriage. And unfortunately, I choose study over marriage. (This is due to my single status. I bet it gonna change if I am in a relationship)

Fourth, after full consideration and discussion. I think I gonna pay for my PTPTN debt first before continue my study. It worth 22K. OMG!!! MY MONEY!!!

Fifth, I gonna apply for university oversea and wait until I get scholarship. Why? Because I can effort 1 sem fee to further my study in UMP. But for 3 years? I don't think i'm that rich enough.

Sixth, I definitely think teaching is my path. So, gonna try find job in teaching as much as possible. And I also been thinking of applying for TESL. It one of the best way to travel and get money I think. No doubt money are important in life. OH MY...I start thinking money are important...I must growing old already.

Seventh, i gonna try looking for job in KL. The scary KL. The busy KL. For the first time I gonna try this. For others it may not seem like a big deal...but for me..for someone that hate KL..tettt..not KL in general but I hate big city. And KL is one of it. So, it is a big deal for me to apply for job in KL.

Eigth, I should start doing my research proposal right? I should start spend money on university admission right? I should try apply for job in KL right? So...this is my challenge this year? Don"t know if I brave enough for this. But I definitely gonna try and challenge this.

Nineth, after all this I should be able to reward myself right? Should I go travel? Should I go sightseeing? Should I go diving? Lombok? Korea? Koh lanta?

To fall too deep to love to much

I always wonder how it feel like to love too much that its hurt. Read about it, seen about it but never got the chance to feel about it.
How love make people go stupid? I really wonder. Maybe because i never really fall in love. Been in relationship but never been in love. Not that i dont know what is love, i am in love but not to the point that i willing to give 100% trust to that someone. I'm in love with my family and bff. But never in love with someone out of the circle.
Call me stupid for having a 1.5 years of in relationship status but not feeling in love. It just that, it started with feeling want to try, then develop to sympathy and lastly just friendly love. I cant say that love make me do stupid things while in that relationship because im that stupidly broken from the start. So..no. I never feel like doing stupid thing because of love in that relationship.
I watch how love broke his heart, I watch how crazy my little bro in fight with his lover, I watch how hurt she is being in love, I watch how deep she is in love. But, i never understand it. Because it always me who would like to end a relationship. Because I know to love too deep can hurt too bad. And I hate being hurt since im born...so i avoid it at any cost.
But now i know, how hurt it is to love too deep. But unfortunately, the love that I have is just a fantasy that will never be real in anytime soon..no..its will never be real. Because 'he' is just an imagination that come to help me calm. But never know that it could lead to this mess.
This is why they said curiosity kills the cat. If only Im not that curios and just be thankful of everything I already have and love, this mess can never happen.
Knowing that 'his' 1day outfit can fill my stomach for 1month is my 1st slap of reality. Knowing that 'his' exs is million times better than me is my 2nd slap of reality. Knowing that 'his' muse is lots better than me, that 'he' can just snap 'his' fingers and they can come naked infront of 'him' is my 3rd slap. Knowing that 'he' will never leave his religion for me is my 4th slap. And the list is unstoppable. But still, this stupid heart wont listen to its owner and keep falling in love deeper and deeper.
The brain, the body, the feeling even the heart itself know that deep is dangerous. But still it dare to defy the brain. Heart is something human never have control of. Its belong to Allah and maybe I need to pray harder to forget this stupid love.
But, writing this, letting this out of my heart, i noticed that the heart still think of 'him'. The heart know it will pass away. Because this love is just impossible. But its starting to hurt that im afraid im falling too deep to climb back up.
This blog will last as long as blogger is still running on internet. So i just wonder, how I feel when I read this post later. Maybe 3 or 4 years later. When I had found someone that willing to share my stupid dream and my lazy ass. Or even i dont find the 'one', I wonder will i still having crush on him or did I finally move on. The worse is my heart said just now that how she wonder "how would 'he' feel when 'he' read this with me". That just another clue that i slowly losing my sanity. O god...now i realized how love can hurt. Even a simple crush hurt this much, love must be hurt 1000 times more. I never regret my decision to avoid love at all cost. Never. Maybe?
My respect to all lovers out there.

Birthday shoutout!!!

There lots of birthday shoutout for last month. So lets follow the order.

Firstly, my beloved boyfriend...my beloved brother. Well im sorry for the late wish. Birthday ko 23 but I wish on 24. But at least I wish. Hehehe. So..like I said. Happy belated birthday. You are truly my brother. You already 25 while im still 24. So wish first...i wish you to have happy and loved live forever. Be happy with didi....walaupn aq xberapa suka didi but at least she make you happy. That more than enough. Aq xleh cakap jangan dating..sbb aq thu bile tgh bercinta mmg otak xcentre sgt. But at least igt agama bila berdating tu yer...use protection.tettt. Ok...Keje rajin2...kumpul duit banyak2. Kawin cepat2. And always be healthy...ko kne ske g gym...so keep your body fit and eat well ok. I love you more than didi...hehehe.

Secondly, my beloved dongsaeng...my baby...my bird...my got7. Jackson...happy belated bday. You always smile and make joke. That enough to fill up this noona boring days. But I wish you to at least share your pain with someone so that it does not bottled up in you. Be healthy always...its important to entertain ahgase but its more important to love yourself first. Thanks for being happy and teach something that others cant teach me. Keep being you..who knows how many people will you inspired. Love yah. Im proud ahgase. And congrate on all of our award...ahgase will work hard..i will try to help..but being international fan..that so little we can do. Im sorry.

Lastly, my beloved dongsaeng...my enemy...my blood. Munirah Aisyah Binti Alias. I love you to the moon and back. Walaupun menyakitkan hati lg byk dr menyenangkan hati...but at least i have a girl in my family. Walaupun mulut xreti cover...at least i know you are stupid that way. Hadiah??? Nanti lah..bile along ada duit lebih. Tp kalau nak handset harap maap lah. Tuan punye diri pn hanset xtukar2. But seoul garden is a promise to keep. Wish??? Semoga jd bijok and kaya. Leh g korea teman along.

So...that its...few people that worth my breath and my time. Worth my love and my trust. You guys are my strength...so keep being strong and healthy..keep in love.

I LOVE YOU GUYS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART TO EVERY CELL IN MY BODY.

My problem???

I think i know something about myself. Its weird but I just realized that it is me..its my reaction everytime its happen. Hmm...should fangirling a kpop idol called crush or love?
Either way...i know that the longest time I ever fangirling an idol last for about a year. Then it dissapear like I never knew them. Its good reaction and good attitude actually if you are fangirling an idol. Because no matter how hard you try they will never be yours.
The problem is...even they are not artist or an idol...I still have that crazy hardcore cupid arrow in my heart but then few month after that its gone. But what i realized...when i started to notice that i fell in love with someone...I will keep my distance from him. So the problem is...WHEN WILL I GET MARRIED IF THIS HOW I RESPOND TO MY HEART??!! Hmmmmm.

I wonder how long have I reacted like this. Its not like I have love trauma ( a lie) its not like I have trust issue(another lie)...but I dont think any of that make me react like this. I dont know. Maybe my standard is sooooo high.
Well I have two supporting boyfriend...which I called brother. They not perfect but at least they are there when I am in need. At least they know me for 10 years. They know when im not okay and they give maybe the craziest advice ever but at least they help me for 10 years now. I have two younger brother that cling on me...I maybe not the best sister they ever have. But I think I spoil them to much. They maybe rude everytime...but they are the medicide for my stress..they are the poison when im not in stress..they are the one that I spend my money the most. And most importantly...i have a father that over protective...that always treat me like a child. Maybe that is why im so spoiled and childish. But nothing to complain about that. I love the way I was loved.
But to find someone that can beat all this features...i dont know. I dont think i will ever find the one. Maybe my standard is tooo high. You cant blame me when im surrounded by someone that nearly perfect in my eyes.

Advice that hard to follow

~LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT. IT WONT MAKE YOU RICH AND IT WONT MAKE YOU POOR~

How I wonder...if I really live my life the way I want, will it be better or worse than now. Now i already live my life the way I want but...there are lot of thing that dont go the way I want. So in my case, even I live my life the way I want it does not make me happy anymore.
Or is it because my pesonality that quickly get bored doing same thing everyday. If it really because of my personality, then I guess no job suit me. Even being unemployed not suit me...because I bored as s**t now.
The way I want to live is simple:
1) settle PTPTN
2) settle MARA
3) travel around the way

Looking at my saving...I can cross that no 1. Work for more or less 1 year then settle no 2. But the problem is no 3. How will I get money to travel.
Even I said to live my life the way I want...I dont want to make my parent sad. People expectation. 25 years old = married. Seriously...I have zero intention to get married. I dont have bad experience in love. All my experience make me who I am today. I dont have problem with boys. I may have some trust issue problem but it not strong enough to make me not to get married.

The real problem is...I want to run from people expectation. When people expect me to get married...i dont want to get married even more. When people expect me to get a job...the more I feel like to stay at home. When people expect me to have child after I get married...it make me want to enjoy being single more. I AM A GIRL...I WANT TO GET MARRIED...I WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN BUT NOT NOW.

I am fine with anybody expectation..but not my parent. They have lot of expectation on me...how I want to complete it when all I want is to run from all this s**t. I want to live it the way I want. I want to spend my money the way I want. I want to go to places I want. But I know in the end...my parent is the one that get hurt from all of this.

People..or should I say Malay. They expect you to follow that certain flow. Compared to old time...we become more open minded. But still Malay...its in their blood to compared their own child with other child. Although they not realized it...they want you to become one successsful child way of life..that flow of progress.

I have my own definition of success. Quit a well paid job was one of my definition of success. Having thousand of camera was one of my definition of success. But the best definition of success for me is...I able to bring my family to travel around the world without any worry about money.

Money is something that come from bank and end up in bank. How people worship that piece of paper never fail to amazed me. Of course..money is important. But you still can live just fine without it. (Right???or maybe not).

Bottomline is...even i want to live my life the way I want...even I want to run from people expectation...my family is much more important than my own satisfaction. So...how will I be happy doing things that I want to run from?? Even my way of live does not make me happy...it sure is worse with other poeple way of live that I should follow.