To fall too deep to love to much

I always wonder how it feel like to love too much that its hurt. Read about it, seen about it but never got the chance to feel about it.
How love make people go stupid? I really wonder. Maybe because i never really fall in love. Been in relationship but never been in love. Not that i dont know what is love, i am in love but not to the point that i willing to give 100% trust to that someone. I'm in love with my family and bff. But never in love with someone out of the circle.
Call me stupid for having a 1.5 years of in relationship status but not feeling in love. It just that, it started with feeling want to try, then develop to sympathy and lastly just friendly love. I cant say that love make me do stupid things while in that relationship because im that stupidly broken from the start. So..no. I never feel like doing stupid thing because of love in that relationship.
I watch how love broke his heart, I watch how crazy my little bro in fight with his lover, I watch how hurt she is being in love, I watch how deep she is in love. But, i never understand it. Because it always me who would like to end a relationship. Because I know to love too deep can hurt too bad. And I hate being hurt since im born...so i avoid it at any cost.
But now i know, how hurt it is to love too deep. But unfortunately, the love that I have is just a fantasy that will never be real in anytime soon..no..its will never be real. Because 'he' is just an imagination that come to help me calm. But never know that it could lead to this mess.
This is why they said curiosity kills the cat. If only Im not that curios and just be thankful of everything I already have and love, this mess can never happen.
Knowing that 'his' 1day outfit can fill my stomach for 1month is my 1st slap of reality. Knowing that 'his' exs is million times better than me is my 2nd slap of reality. Knowing that 'his' muse is lots better than me, that 'he' can just snap 'his' fingers and they can come naked infront of 'him' is my 3rd slap. Knowing that 'he' will never leave his religion for me is my 4th slap. And the list is unstoppable. But still, this stupid heart wont listen to its owner and keep falling in love deeper and deeper.
The brain, the body, the feeling even the heart itself know that deep is dangerous. But still it dare to defy the brain. Heart is something human never have control of. Its belong to Allah and maybe I need to pray harder to forget this stupid love.
But, writing this, letting this out of my heart, i noticed that the heart still think of 'him'. The heart know it will pass away. Because this love is just impossible. But its starting to hurt that im afraid im falling too deep to climb back up.
This blog will last as long as blogger is still running on internet. So i just wonder, how I feel when I read this post later. Maybe 3 or 4 years later. When I had found someone that willing to share my stupid dream and my lazy ass. Or even i dont find the 'one', I wonder will i still having crush on him or did I finally move on. The worse is my heart said just now that how she wonder "how would 'he' feel when 'he' read this with me". That just another clue that i slowly losing my sanity. O god...now i realized how love can hurt. Even a simple crush hurt this much, love must be hurt 1000 times more. I never regret my decision to avoid love at all cost. Never. Maybe?
My respect to all lovers out there.